APRIL 16, 2018 – WHITE HOUSE, WASHINGTON, DC – The moustaches of incoming National Security Adviser John Bolton and White House legal counsel Ty Cobb caused $8,000 in property damage to the Oval Office following a facial-hair on facial-hair brawl hospitalizing the two men. The presidential meeting started warmly enough with John Bolton laying out plans for a super-easy regime change somewhere, when Ty Cobb dropped by for the President’s signature. Cobb’s handlebar moustache took one look at that sheep-dog of a lip blanket on Bolton’s face and went at it like a feral badger.
Cobb’s pugilist-like facial hair took up Bolton’s stache and dragged it across the President’s mahogany desk, raining framed photos of Trump onto the floor with the moustaches’ hosts following behind. Breaking glass cuts the White House staffers as their moustaches tango for 4 minutes, but what must have seemed like an eternity to the two civil servants who were feckless in calming the rowdy nerves of their feuding facial hair.
Bolton’s walrus-like follicles kicked up the gel-hardened, twisty ends of Cobb’s caterpillar breaking a coffee table, and sending Chief of Staff John Kelly’s briefing papers into flight. Bloodied but undaunted, Cobb’s whiskers pull themselves from the ground only to receive a brutal kick to the mid-part sending Cobb to the couch before rolling down to the floor. Cobb’s stache recovers with a textbook mix martial arts (MMA) shrimp maneuver as the two moustaches jostle and jockey for a mid-distance strike zone. Kelly’s papers flutter and dance through the air, as the two staches kick off of each other before realigning their hateful gaze from across the room as if to size up the others’ weaknesses.
“Yeah. You do see this from time to time,” Matthew Dolan, a barber from the nearby K Street Barber Shop said. “With moustaches of this magnitude, we always advise our style clients to maybe just keep the moustaches out of sight of each other for a few days. It’s good for moustaches to get used to the smell of other moustaches so they don’t feel that their territories are threatened when first introduced.
“If you do a cold introduction, placing one moustache directly in front of the other with no preparation, that can be highly confrontational and stressful for the moustaches leading to an altercation like we saw earlier at the White House.”
“Some times a moustache may try to puff up its fur to appear bigger to rival moustaches. Other times, all bets are off and they just go at each other. It’s never pretty when that happens.”
Like hair-follicle freight trains gone off the rails – Bolton and Cobb were now long unconscious as their mange each made one last assault. Twisting each other into a game of moustache mercy the violence is so unsettling that a loose strand from Ivanka Trump’s head went screaming from the room just before an old fingerprint leftover by a recent visit of Henry Kissinger stepped in to break up the fight.
“Stop mit da’ fighting. Stop mit da’ fighting,” said Kissinger’s fingerprint in a pronounced Israeli accent that sounded as much like Jackie Mason or the aardvark in Pink Panther as it did Kissinger.
“Aren’t we all just leftover bits of DNA from our human hosts? Vhy are vee fighting?”
Kissinger’s fingerprint’s calming words gave President Trump’s Secret Service enough time to jump in, incapacitate the men’s raging facial hair, and restore order to the Oval Office. Calls to the White House were returned confirming the brawl did take place just a few hours into Bolton’s first day on the job. Bolton and Cobb were treated for injuries and released from President Trump was unharmed.