August 7, 2018, Bethesda, Maryland – U.S. agency the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH) is warning of a sudden outbreak in breakfast-related mental disorders disrupting the populace. The uptick began last year when mental-health workers and law-enforcement saw an increase in inpatients and 911 calls beginning around 7 am and continuing on up to 12:30 pm, for the underemployed.
National regulators got involved after seeing a pattern in the source causes of the civil disruptions – breakfast. Unprepared for the spate of previously undiagnosed disorders, the National Institute of Mental Health is lumping the conditions into three major categories until more study can be done to abate a national crisis.
Disruptive Wafflitis
Disruptive Wafflitis is the acute fear of the waitress bringing your butter late once your waffle is too cold too effectively warm the butter to a spreadable state. Sufferers liken the resulting damage done to their waffles, after middling attempts to spread cold butter only to see their butter knives ripping and tearing their waffles asunder, to the destruction of their own psyches as they haplessly hack away at their own $6 menu item.
The condition is similar to Lime-ticculus in which 17th century British sailors feared running out of limes resulting in potential scurvy outbreaks. Doctor Joshua Gordon is the head of the National Institute of Mental Health.
“While cold waffles don’t cause scurvy,” said Gordon, who oversees an extensive research portfolio of mental conditions. “Scurvy and cold waffles both suck.”
Hashbrown Ambivalence Anxiety
Hashbrown Ambivalence Anxiety is stress brought on by a waitress asking if you’d like free hashbrowns with that. Diners with acute apathy toward pan-fried potatoes find themselves in a crippling, vicious loop of internal debate.
Are the hash browns free? Yes, they are. Do I like hash browns? No, not really. Am I stupid if I don’t take something that’s free? Yes, probably. Are hash browns necessary being that toast already has plenty of carbs? No, I don’t think so.
The episodes often culminate with the frustrated customers wondering aloud why waitresses don’t just bring the hash browns if they are free? Why do they even ask?
In 30 instances last year, police were called to quiet surly restaurant guests unsure of their own predilection toward hash browns. NIMH expects that number to triple this year.
Comfortfoodophobia
Comfortfoodophobia is the fear that eating food so good that it will stick to your ribs, will require surgery to actually remove the food from your ribs. Often the mere suggestion that menu items will tickle your ribs, causes panic in comfortfoodophobes.
Individuals experiencing comfortfoodophobia are typically fine when nibbling a carrot or light snack. Replace that lean nutrient with the dense, welcoming flavors of a monti cristo sandwich or Scotch egg, however, or the full, nourishing texture of a heaping bowl of buttery grits and you have on your hands a full-on lunatic.
Yolanda Covington is a Chicago surgeon who says the need to have comfort food surgically removed from a rib cage is so rare that the fear is largely irrational. In her entire career, she has performed the surgery but twice.
In the more recent incident, Bernard Rivard was admitted to surgery after eating fried catfish and barbecue on the city’s Southside. The ensuing comfort food slid right off the bone, and down the man’s gullet before militantly clinging to the man’s rib cage. It was just that good.
“We had Rivard under anesthesia for about an hour as we trimmed the succulent pork meat from his thoracic cavity,” said Covington. “Which killed me because I had skipped lunch that day and seeing that rib-sticking soulfood had me starving for the nice, familiar flavor of an ingratiating peanut butter sandwich, with maybe some sliced bananas layered on.”
That does sound delish.
I caught up with Rivard to see if the incident occurring three years ago has caused him any comfortfoodophobia. He said no and that he still frequents the smokehouse about twice a week.
“I sympathize though with people who are experiencing mental conditions closely related to their morning, digestive life-cycle,” said the retired factory worker. “Mental health is no joke.”
Until more research can be done on the recent outbreak, the National Institute of Mental Health is advising this nation’s 48 million sufferers of mental conditions to avoid breakfast. Agency-head Gordon added that talking to friends and family, and doing the things that you love are probably bad ideas, too.