FEBRUARY 15, 2018 – The twin essential components to any President’s day are 1.) A sovereign history of duly elected heads of state, and 2.) mattress sales. You’re going to sleep like a king or rather, a president, in these bedroom sets worthy of a realty tycoon, reality game show host, or commander-in-chief on sale for one day only!
The Stormy Daniels Deluxe Waterbed
Cost: $130,000
Did you think waterbeds, paying for porn, and unprotected sex were things of the past? Well, then you’re not thinking like a president. With 17 years of industry experience sleeping a wide variety of men, you’ll slide into Stormy Daniels as comfortably as a VHS tape going into a gummed-up, crusty cardboard cover.
Drift off to sleep or into pleasures unknown as you rest your intricately, interlaced orange coif between Stormy’s silicon, billowy pillows. Your favorite moments of Shark Week will come alive on the multiple television screens in your bedroom as you ride the “ocean motion” of the Stormy Daniels Deluxe Waterbed. At a cost of $130,000 this isn’t just a big-box retail item, Stormy’s box is yuuuuuge.
The Rick Gates Inaugural Sleeper
Cost: $107 million
Over 200 years of White House ethics guidelines, campaign finance rules, and that mattress tag that says “do not remove under penalty of law” protect our country from devolving to chaos...until now! While most inaugural sleepers accommodate an area as large as Washington DC filled with revelers at a fraction of the price, the Rick Gates Inaugural bed set tucks in both parade-goers and protesters in opulence. If the bed doesn’t put you to sleep, then the performance by Three Doors Down will.
The best feature of the Rick Gates Inaugural Sleeper is that it wholesales for $2 million but retails for $107 million. Where did that other $105 million in inaugural-party donations go? I’m afraid only a presidential swearing-in ceremony grants access to that information, and you don’t have it.
The Philanderer’s Futon
Cost: A son’s love when he learns you’ve been cheating on his mother
Are you the kind of athlete who finds yourself saying things like, “It’s a golf outing, honey. How can I keep porn stars and nude models from coming?”
Some golfers are lucky. Some golfers get lucky. If you fall into the latter, than the Philanderer’s Futon is your new, best wing-man.
Spartan yet rustic, the Philanderer’s Futon snugly fits into the many presidential-portrait laden halls of your home. State-of-the-art “fastener” technology opens the futon from a couch, into a slightly larger couch wowing the family pet that you are too classy to have, just before it whimpers and scurries to your wife leaving you alone with a TV dinner. #Sad.
The Karen McDougal Sleepmate
Cost: Just declare bankruptcy and don’t pay a thing
Zoologists spent up to 10 minutes at a time laboring in the bushes of Playboy bunnies to observe their sleeping patterns and circadian rhythms. The result is a bed that will have you and a friend sleeping like rabbits!
Whether nullifying a sleep disorder or vowing to be more open to come what may, the Karen McDougal Sleepmate digs your adventurous spirit, and your d-list-celebrity game show (for at least 9 months.) The built-in reading lamp is perfect for making out the fine print on nondisclosure agreements, if it worked, which it doesn’t.
The Ivanka I Mean Ivana Forbidden Love Nest
Cost: I just can’t even….
This sleeping set is reserved for the family man with a Lolita-sized love for his brood, and a paternal streak that burns deep in his loins. When everything you desire is just out of your reach yet sitting right next to you on national TV as you say inappropriate things that will have more than disqualified presidential candidates at any other time in history, then you need the Ivanka I Mean Ivana Lovenest. The Ivanka I Mean Ivana Lovenest Sleeping Set...when all we can do is pray the love is unrequited.
The Eric and Junior Bunk Set
Cost: A Disproportionate Cross-Section of Russian Ruples
For the family with a domineering, near-senile patriarch who just doesn’t give a sh*t…. If conversation over the breakfast nook goes something like….
“Who are you?”
“Eric, you’re son.”
“And your mother is which one?”
“Ivana.”
“Got it. Got it.”
….then the Eric and Junior Bunk Set is for you.
Don Junior’s Formula One Race Car Bed
Cost: Your inheritance if you don’t get back to New York right now
If you are tossing and turning in your current bed and finding it hard to care about New York real estate. If starting a company based on a small loan of $1 million from your father doesn’t sound great to you, consider Don Junior’s Formula One Race Car Bed.
Rest your gelled head in this children’s sleeper, or imagine yourself blazing a trail out west like Jack Kerouac or Casey Jones as you end up slinging drinks on Colfax in a desperate bid to break from family expectations. And when that cute coworker learns that your name is Donald Trump, Junior and that your Twitter handle actually beings with “@real”, well, that can’t hurt your social life as you make new friends in Denver.
Conclusion
The national intelligence apparatus keeping us safe from threats foreign and domestic is under attack by the head of government. A book burning just outside your window is labeling the free press, societal watchdog, and “fourth branch” of government as enemies of the state. A Russian troll slurping Red Bull and potentially hacking ballots from his mom’s Siberian basement is determining the winner of US. elections, and we can’t crack a textbook without staring down the barrel of an AR-15, but for one day a year we can make out like bandits on foam, cloth and coils.
We started with a president that could not tell a lie from his wooden dentures to a president who is probably lying about wearing dentures. With these mattress deals though, you can afford to sleep through an entire presidency. Sweet dreams.