May 2, 2018 -- Louisville, KY -- Crawling to the track it’s AteALego. Close behind her is CutesyPoopsyPants. On the winner’s circle, not because she won last year but because she did not eat a lego, it’s Daddy’sScrappyDancer.

There goes the starting pistol. CutesyPoopsy is trying to stand up. She’s pushing. She’s lifting. Look at that would you? The dung in her diapers is not slowing her down today, folks. She is up. CutesyPoopsy has successfully thrusted with her little baby muscles and is now in a first-time ever, self-imposed status of standing up all on her own, folks. That’s just lovely.

She takes a step. Ohhhh! She goes down. CutesyPoopsy is down, folks. Oh. She’s starting to cry. CutesyPoopsy may shit herself.

And now it’s Daddy’sScrappyDancer…. She’s fluctuating. She’s heavin’. She’s ho-ing. She appears to be rocking side to side to try to give her sitting little body some upward momentum. She’s up! Oh, she’s down again. She’s giggling though. Daddy’sScrappyDancer is undaunted. She’s trying again.

Look at that, folks! Oh, it’s a great day at the track today. With one mighty push, AteALego is standing folks. She’s moving down the track. She’s about to take her first step. And, oooooooooh. Down she goes. That had to hurt. Oh, she’s crying. The waterworks are flowing.

CutesyPoopsy did not crap her pants and is now attempting to crawl toward the finish line. She has given up on walking altogether. They don’t give the Ryder’s Cup to crawling horses, little lady. Maybe she’ll figure it out.

Wow! Daddy’sScrappyDancer is up again. First step! Second step! The crowd is going wild today. It’s a great day for racing, babies, according to this crowd of thousands. The ladies in their fancy hats and everyone drunk on mint julips as Daddy’sScrappyDancer catches up with CutesyPoopsy who will be disqualified if she doesn’t stop crawling and start walking.

She stood up! She stood up! Daddy’sScrappyDancer through down the gauntlet and CutesyPoopsy accepted the challenge. CutesyPoopsy is now standing, too, giving Daddy’sScrappyDancer a run for her money.

Just like the legendary SeaBiscuit, folks, it only took a little baby-on-baby aggressive eye contact to light a competitive fire in her little baby brain as CutesyPoopsy goes taking her first steps. AteALego sits sucking her thumb unphased by her last position in the baby race.

Cutesy Poopsy takes a second step, and a third. They are giggling, folks. Neck and neck and the giggles are flying. They bump. Oh, they tumble. Both babies are down and struggling to get back their baby-shoe footing.

Oh, CutesyPoopsy is shoving herself up by pushing off of the downtrodden Daddy’sScrappyDancer. That did not go over well.

Oh, what’s this? Daddy’sScrappyDancer is crying, folks. Oh, what’s wrong, little lady? Come on. That’s not the scrappy little dancer that I know.

CutesyPoopsy takes a fourth, and a fifth step. Daddy’sScrappyDancer is reaching out to trip CutesyPoopsy but her infant arm is just not getting there. It’s some old-school dirty horsetrack tricks on display at today’s race, folks, like back when the guys who fitted the horseshoes could make someone disappear for a tidy sum is what I’m talking. These two contenders will do anything to win as Daddy’sScrappyDancer is back up.

CutesyPoopsy is down, folks. CutesyPoopsy fell just short of the finish line as Daddy’sScrappyDancer makes a break for the win.

Daddy’sScrappyDancer has almost caught up. CutesyPoopsy is digging deep, folks. She’s struggling to get up. No matter who wins today these two baby sisters left nothing on the track today. They are giving 110 percent.

CutesyPoopsy is back up! CutesyPoopsy needs just one more step to win!

She did it! She did it! It’s CutesyPoopsy by a nose and she did shit her pants, folks. The smell of baby manure is in the air today as the crowd goes wild.

And aren’t all three just adorable, folks? Don’t we all just want to collectively nibble their little feet? Daddy’sScrappyDancer made a valiant effort but….

“Honey,” says mom. “Are you giving the girls horse names again?”

Kentucky Derby announcer says, “Nooooooooo.”

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